I adore Joanna Lumley and she's done some amazing work.
I adore Joanna Lumley and she's done some amazing work.
[on The Voice UK (2012)] Dismal.
[on The Voice UK (2012)] Dismal.
I used to work on newspapers and so I used to get sent to see loads and loads of bands that everybod...
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I used to work on newspapers and so I used to get sent to see loads and loads of bands that everybody likes that I happened to think were terrible ... and Bon Jovi and Bryan Adams were pretty near the top.
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Mark Linkous, my hero, killed himself. I like vulnerable people.
Mark Linkous, my hero, killed himself. I like vulnerable people.
Dare I say, Paul McCartney at the Olympics, with his voice shredded from the years of performing, an...
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Dare I say, Paul McCartney at the Olympics, with his voice shredded from the years of performing, and he doesn't perform in my view, and I know a lot of Paul McCartney fans are gonna be upset, but I've seen him since the '80s and I just don't think he performs to the standard that he should do when you're going out as a Beatles legend.
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I don't know why they didn't just start Sur écoute (2002) at episode four.
I don't know why they didn't just start Sur écoute (2002) at episode four.
[on Gary Glitter] There was a time when everyone wanted to be in his gang. I was one of them. I paid...
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[on Gary Glitter] There was a time when everyone wanted to be in his gang. I was one of them. I paid a fiver for a giant yellow foam hand they were selling on the way to the gig and spent the whole concert waving it above my head like a loon. And yet, not long after that fantastic night, nobody wanted Gary Glitter to be their leader any more. His records stopped selling. His hits disappeared from the radio, never to return. Glitter, real name Paul Gadd, had been caught with thousands of sickening child porn images on his computer. He got four months, served two and was acquitted of having sex with an under-age girl. With no career to speak of, Glitter fled the UK on a yacht and later got nailed for child sex abuse in Vietnam. A couple of years back he threatened to write a book protesting his innocence but I've not seen it. God knows where he is now. Nowhere near your kids, hopefully.
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[on Vivian Stanshall] Probably Britain's greatest ever eccentric. Amazing man. Amazing character.
[on Vivian Stanshall] Probably Britain's greatest ever eccentric. Amazing man. Amazing character.
[on Professor Green] Through sheer talent, Green has made himself a fortune.
[on Professor Green] Through sheer talent, Green has made himself a fortune.
[on Chiswick] A nice leafy part of West London.
[on Chiswick] A nice leafy part of West London.
[on Thatcherism] Government, working hand-in-hand with media institutions, bashed the unions and as ...
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[on Thatcherism] Government, working hand-in-hand with media institutions, bashed the unions and as a result people now work on contracts, they don't get full holiday pay, they don't get any of the protection they used to get.
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[on Andy Abraham] Andy, love the guy, first wowed the nation with his beautiful, soulful voice way b...
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[on Andy Abraham] Andy, love the guy, first wowed the nation with his beautiful, soulful voice way back in 2005.
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Life of Rock with Brian Pern, I mean the funniest thing I've ever seen.
Life of Rock with Brian Pern, I mean the funniest thing I've ever seen.
[on Melanie C] She's a top lady.
[on Melanie C] She's a top lady.
I could happily let myself go. I'm not that bothered personally - there wasn't much to lose in the f...
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I could happily let myself go. I'm not that bothered personally - there wasn't much to lose in the first place! But I'm aware that other people judge me on my looks, especially as I work in television, so I make the effort to keep them happy. Botox? Hair dye? I could. Having an op to boost my buttocks? I'd rather spend the night in prison with George Michael.
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[on the police's raid on Cliff Richard's Berkshire property] People have been speculating about Clif...
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[on the police's raid on Cliff Richard's Berkshire property] People have been speculating about Cliff's [Cliff Richard] sex life for years and years, whether that's relevant in any way I do not know. We don't know any of the detail behind it but one of the aspects that troubles me about this is it sounds from what we're told in the report that one person has made an allegation and - based on that allegation - the police go straight in and turn someone's house over.
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I once got stuck in a motel in Carolina in America for a week with no money and all I watched was Ha...
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I once got stuck in a motel in Carolina in America for a week with no money and all I watched was Hawaï, police d'état (1968) back-to-back. I'm a big fan.
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Glitter (Gary Glitter) has done his time, why shouldn't he be allowed to earn a living, and the song...
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Glitter (Gary Glitter) has done his time, why shouldn't he be allowed to earn a living, and the song, Do You Wanna Touch Me, is a mighty fine tune, whatever you think of the singer.
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I stopped listening to Joss Stone when she started talking with a North American accent despite comi...
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I stopped listening to Joss Stone when she started talking with a North American accent despite coming from north Devon.
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I'm not interested in the Civil Service at all, they can all go.
I'm not interested in the Civil Service at all, they can all go.
Elton John, Sir Elton, God bless him, I can't get over the fact every time I see it, I think: 'That'...
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Elton John, Sir Elton, God bless him, I can't get over the fact every time I see it, I think: 'That's a thatch.'
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After eight long, heavily publicised years I'm bored of Daleks, Cyberpersons and Zygons. I don't giv...
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After eight long, heavily publicised years I'm bored of Daleks, Cyberpersons and Zygons. I don't give a monkeys who's going to replace Matt Smith either. I think if you left it a few years, I might be excited.
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Can't sing, can't dance, dull as cheese. What's left to say? If I had a daughter, would I want her t...
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Can't sing, can't dance, dull as cheese. What's left to say? If I had a daughter, would I want her to look up to a woman who can't sing and can't dance or would I want her to look up to somebody who uses their brain for the furtherment and betterment of mankind? (On Cheryl)
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Big up to Adele. She is just fantastic, no nonsense, speaks from the heart. God bless her.
Big up to Adele. She is just fantastic, no nonsense, speaks from the heart. God bless her.
[on Tamara Ecclestone] An airhead.
[on Tamara Ecclestone] An airhead.
We're in an age of new reactionism now. We don't want boundaries pushed, we want to contract. We wan...
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We're in an age of new reactionism now. We don't want boundaries pushed, we want to contract. We want to play safe. Comedians can't make jokes about this, they can't make jokes about that. There's BBC policy units in overdrive, trying to control, control, control. (Speaking in 2010)
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[on "All That Echoes" by Josh Groban] It's a terrific album.
[on "All That Echoes" by Josh Groban] It's a terrific album.
The most important thing we have to remember is that the very rich pay less tax. That's the objectiv...
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The most important thing we have to remember is that the very rich pay less tax. That's the objective of the government. The very rich were paying 50% tax, now it's gone down to 45%. But we've got to remember the priority in this country is to ensure the rich get richer.
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I'm very comfortable as a slightly camp man. I can't be any other way, so if people want to imagine ...
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I'm very comfortable as a slightly camp man. I can't be any other way, so if people want to imagine they're my gay lovers, more power to them.
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[on Paul Young] Pop legend.
[on Paul Young] Pop legend.
The only winner in the X Factor is Simon Cowell, ITV and the advertisers.
The only winner in the X Factor is Simon Cowell, ITV and the advertisers.
[on Deacon Blue] They've got some cracking tunes.
[on Deacon Blue] They've got some cracking tunes.
Love him or loathe him, you cannot deny the guy's as cunning as a fox, slick as the Gulf of Mexico a...
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Love him or loathe him, you cannot deny the guy's as cunning as a fox, slick as the Gulf of Mexico and just as oily. (On Tony Blair)
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[on The Rolling Stones] They are quite frankly the most extraordinary band in the world.
[on The Rolling Stones] They are quite frankly the most extraordinary band in the world.
In 1990 we had New Order, friend of the show John Barnes rapping over the best ever World Cup tune W...
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In 1990 we had New Order, friend of the show John Barnes rapping over the best ever World Cup tune World in Motion.
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Thank God for that! The great tragedy, he's one of the great drummers we've ever had. (On the story ...
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Thank God for that! The great tragedy, he's one of the great drummers we've ever had. (On the story that Phil Collins was retiring from music in 2011)
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[on Yasmin Alibhai-Brown] One of my closest friends.
[on Yasmin Alibhai-Brown] One of my closest friends.
This is the thing that I found ever so slightly upsetting about Barbra Streisand, who I hold in the ...
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This is the thing that I found ever so slightly upsetting about Barbra Streisand, who I hold in the highest of high regards, I now know that she has a shopping mall in her house, which I also think is one of the saddest things I've ever heard in my entire life.
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Should Charles (Prince Charles) ever be allowed to perch on the throne as king? The guy is to PR wha...
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Should Charles (Prince Charles) ever be allowed to perch on the throne as king? The guy is to PR what The Cheeky Girls are to pop music - a bad joke in my view.
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Holly Willoughby would be fantastic in a quiz team, I think. Just someone else's team.
Holly Willoughby would be fantastic in a quiz team, I think. Just someone else's team.
For the next five, six years, Phil Collins was in clover really, I don't think he could do anything ...
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For the next five, six years, Phil Collins was in clover really, I don't think he could do anything wrong. I don't think anyone expected this balding, short man to be such a star really. (On the success of No Jacket Required)
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If you can make money out of doing something you love, you're a very lucky person. I know I am.
If you can make money out of doing something you love, you're a very lucky person. I know I am.
Most people in the country don't watch The X Factor (2004) but you would never know that from readin...
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Most people in the country don't watch The X Factor (2004) but you would never know that from reading the papers.
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[on Take That in 2011] I agree with people when they say they are the best band in Britain. I think ...
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[on Take That in 2011] I agree with people when they say they are the best band in Britain. I think they are the best band in Britain but that's not necessarily a good thing. It begs the question: where are all the other, better bands?
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[on The Horrors] A top band.
[on The Horrors] A top band.
I blame Pop Idol (2001) if it rains.
I blame Pop Idol (2001) if it rains.
I bet they're the same people that buy Susan Boyle records as well. I can put them all in one big bu...
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I bet they're the same people that buy Susan Boyle records as well. I can put them all in one big bunch. People with no taste whatsoever. (On people voting for Ann Widdecombe in Strictly Come Dancing (2004)).
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I'm a forgiving guy. I'm not one, for example, who thinks perverts should be killed at birth - somet...
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I'm a forgiving guy. I'm not one, for example, who thinks perverts should be killed at birth - something an old lady shouted at Langham (Chris Langham) not long after his release. I don't believe anyone is born a kiddy-fiddler either. Both Langham and Glitter had troubled childhoods. Langham even claims he was raped as a boy. I also believe once you've done your time, you've done your time. So will I be going to see Langham's new film, the name of which has completely slipped my mind, when it's released next month? Will I hell! The comic says he needs to work to support his family and I'm sure that's true. But what he needs is a proper job. The last thing he should doing is seeking our approval on the big screen, hoping we'll forgive and forget his crime as we shell out for cinema tickets. If that is what Langham's after, I hope he's left bitterly disappointed.
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Even though I'm old, I quite like N-Dubz 'cos I think they write catchy tunes.
Even though I'm old, I quite like N-Dubz 'cos I think they write catchy tunes.
[on Docteur Who: The Green Death: Episode One (1973)] I'm still traumatised by Doctor Who and The Gr...
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[on Docteur Who: The Green Death: Episode One (1973)] I'm still traumatised by Doctor Who and The Green Death and I saw that well over 35 years ago.
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[on Luke Friend's "Hole in my Heart"] It might have taken two years, I have to say it sounds worth t...
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[on Luke Friend's "Hole in my Heart"] It might have taken two years, I have to say it sounds worth the wait, it sounds absolutely mighty fine. A really good tune.
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[on Matt Cardle] A regular bloke with an amazing voice.
[on Matt Cardle] A regular bloke with an amazing voice.
I don't like big dogs because I live in the city and I think it's really, really irresponsible to ha...
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I don't like big dogs because I live in the city and I think it's really, really irresponsible to have big dogs.
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What is the real crime? To occupy an empty house or to leave a house empty when people are without h...
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What is the real crime? To occupy an empty house or to leave a house empty when people are without homes?
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You don't have to do what Elton John did and dress up like a giant Daffy Duck to try and sell a few ...
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You don't have to do what Elton John did and dress up like a giant Daffy Duck to try and sell a few records.
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[on Mick Farren] Definitely worth looking up. Kind of invented punk one might say. We all like that.
[on Mick Farren] Definitely worth looking up. Kind of invented punk one might say. We all like that.
I don't get it. The music's rubbish and the look is what Steve Strange was doing 25 years ago. What'...
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I don't get it. The music's rubbish and the look is what Steve Strange was doing 25 years ago. What's new about Lady Gaga?
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There's a small section of society - sometimes it feels like a large section of society - who are do...
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There's a small section of society - sometimes it feels like a large section of society - who are downright rude and unpleasant.
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Is there any one policy Nick Clegg has ever stuck to for more than two years?
Is there any one policy Nick Clegg has ever stuck to for more than two years?
Oasis have never been "the voice of a generation" as some dim-witted cheerleaders have insisted. The...
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Oasis have never been "the voice of a generation" as some dim-witted cheerleaders have insisted. They're an old fashioned, good-time rock'n'roll band in an era of faceless dance pap and music business sterility. For a brief, shining moment they had the whole nation 'Mad For It' and vowed to conquer the world. We applauded their hell-raising, aped the Liam swagger and willed them to become the biggest band ever. But that was three years ago. Endless bust-ups, messy personnel departures and two half-hearted albums later and it's all dribbling to a sorry conclusion. The rest of the world couldn't care less (and never did) and even Noel admits the band have already turned into The Rolling Stones - i.e. they can sell out Wembley Stadium, but record sales are hardly spectacular.
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I still think they're an incredible band. (On Echo & The Bunnymen)
I still think they're an incredible band. (On Echo & The Bunnymen)
[on Kingsland Road's debut single, Dirty Dancing] I think it's an absolutely top tune, I really do.
[on Kingsland Road's debut single, Dirty Dancing] I think it's an absolutely top tune, I really do.
We gave the world The Beatles, the Stones (The Rolling Stones), Marc Bolan, Hawkwind, Dan Woodgate, ...
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We gave the world The Beatles, the Stones (The Rolling Stones), Marc Bolan, Hawkwind, Dan Woodgate, The Jam, The Smiths, Oasis, Blur, Take That, Spice Girls, D.J. Ironik. We are the gods of pop music, and yet we are utterly, utterly useless when it comes to Eurovision.
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If a mentally impaired shrieker like Susan Boyle can be a celebrity, I guess anyone can.
If a mentally impaired shrieker like Susan Boyle can be a celebrity, I guess anyone can.
[on "I Wanna Dance With Somebody"] Who could ever forget a song like this? Whitney Houston at her pe...
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[on "I Wanna Dance With Somebody"] Who could ever forget a song like this? Whitney Houston at her peak, I would have said there. In her prime, although the great songs kept coming.
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I know Isaac Asimov's three rules of robotics. I learned it on a Hawkwind song.
I know Isaac Asimov's three rules of robotics. I learned it on a Hawkwind song.
I believe Hawkwind are the world's greatest rock band.
I believe Hawkwind are the world's greatest rock band.
I'm mad on my music.
I'm mad on my music.
Jude Law, while a marvellous and talented actor, is frankly too wimpy to cut it as 007.
Jude Law, while a marvellous and talented actor, is frankly too wimpy to cut it as 007.
I did go but I really wanted to leave. (On going to see the film Mamma Mia! (2008))
I did go but I really wanted to leave. (On going to see the film Mamma Mia! (2008))
[on "I Can" by Blue] I thought it was a cracking tune, I really did.
[on "I Can" by Blue] I thought it was a cracking tune, I really did.
Up with Tom Baker's, one of the two best celebrity autobiographies of all time. (On Antony Worrall T...
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Up with Tom Baker's, one of the two best celebrity autobiographies of all time. (On Antony Worrall Thompson's autobiography)
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[on "Rise" by Public Image Ltd.] I love that tune.
[on "Rise" by Public Image Ltd.] I love that tune.
[on Smashing Pumpkins, who he saw seven times] One of the best bands I'd ever seen in my life.
[on Smashing Pumpkins, who he saw seven times] One of the best bands I'd ever seen in my life.
Sting did a whole album of lute music in about two minutes but it wasn't very good.
Sting did a whole album of lute music in about two minutes but it wasn't very good.
I was listening to a Public Image [Public Image Ltd.] song yesterday, "Poptones". It's a really artf...
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I was listening to a Public Image [Public Image Ltd.] song yesterday, "Poptones". It's a really artful piece of music. There was an element of art to what they did. Malcolm McLaren was very switched on about design. When Johnny Rotten first appeared with his orangey green hair, his missing teeth, his clothes from Vivienne Westwood, no one had ever seen anything like it before, ever. That was art.
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How much worse can my opinion of Sting be? No matter what you read about Sting and his wife, though,...
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How much worse can my opinion of Sting be? No matter what you read about Sting and his wife, though, nothing is as bad as his last album.
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I've never voted for them in my life and, God willing, I never will. (On the Conservative Party)
I've never voted for them in my life and, God willing, I never will. (On the Conservative Party)
No offence to Inspecteur Morse (1987), but DI Jack Regan - that was Thaw's greatest copper creation,...
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No offence to Inspecteur Morse (1987), but DI Jack Regan - that was Thaw's greatest copper creation, a really gritty, no nonsense, beat the living daylights out of the villains, back in the days when policemen could be policemen! (On Regan (1975))
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It's a cracking tune and I love the video. (On "Like U Like" by Aggro Santos)
It's a cracking tune and I love the video. (On "Like U Like" by Aggro Santos)
I'm old and I like The Sugababes.
I'm old and I like The Sugababes.
That fact that our army wouldn't fill Wembley. That's a shocking thought. Gosh.
That fact that our army wouldn't fill Wembley. That's a shocking thought. Gosh.
[on "Pop Wound" by The Good Suns, which featured Lembit Öpik in the video] It's a great song.
[on "Pop Wound" by The Good Suns, which featured Lembit Öpik in the video] It's a great song.
I've lived all over the capital, from Croydon in south London to Acton in the west, Bow in the east ...
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I've lived all over the capital, from Croydon in south London to Acton in the west, Bow in the east and currently Camden in the north. Having been all over the world, I can say that London truly is its greatest city.
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[on Haircut 100] The soundtrack for the '80s, certainly for me.
[on Haircut 100] The soundtrack for the '80s, certainly for me.
I find the deification of Cheryl, who I'm sure is an absolutely lovely lady, but I find it one of th...
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I find the deification of Cheryl, who I'm sure is an absolutely lovely lady, but I find it one of the darkest things to have happened in my entire life.
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God-awful. (On "Don't Stop Believin'" by Journey)
God-awful. (On "Don't Stop Believin'" by Journey)
[on Adele] She's a megastar but she's normal, which is almost unheard of.
[on Adele] She's a megastar but she's normal, which is almost unheard of.
[to Adamski] You made the '90s for me almost singlehandedly, so thank you for that.
[to Adamski] You made the '90s for me almost singlehandedly, so thank you for that.
He stripped himself emotionally and stuck himself out there, sang from the heart about his marriage ...
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He stripped himself emotionally and stuck himself out there, sang from the heart about his marriage problems and God knows what else, and I think people related to that. (On Phil Collins)
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[on Ozzy Osbourne] One of my heroes.
[on Ozzy Osbourne] One of my heroes.
[on Robbie Williams] I always thought he was a great performer.
[on Robbie Williams] I always thought he was a great performer.
Absolute diamond geezer. I won't hear a word against him. (On Rick Astley)
Absolute diamond geezer. I won't hear a word against him. (On Rick Astley)
[on Beyoncé] Why does empowering women always involve acting as a sex object for men? How does she ...
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[on Beyoncé] Why does empowering women always involve acting as a sex object for men? How does she demonstrate empowering women? She looks to me like a victim of a male-driven record business.
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He's made 15 million since he's left, that's 15 million socialist pounds, obviously, as a Labour pri...
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He's made 15 million since he's left, that's 15 million socialist pounds, obviously, as a Labour prime minister. I feel slightly queasy when I think about Tony Blair's fortune and his big houses everywhere - socialist houses.
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I love Wales. I love the rivers, I love Lowri (Lowri Turner), Charlotte Church, Tom Jones, Richard B...
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I love Wales. I love the rivers, I love Lowri (Lowri Turner), Charlotte Church, Tom Jones, Richard Burton - though I could live without Gavin Henson.
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Lots of people with no ability go on to become famous, Spice Girls spring immediately to mind - the ...
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Lots of people with no ability go on to become famous, Spice Girls spring immediately to mind - the biggest selling female band of all time.
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A thin woman with a thinner voice. (On Victoria Beckham)
A thin woman with a thinner voice. (On Victoria Beckham)
[on Mick Jagger] He's the greatest frontman there was.
[on Mick Jagger] He's the greatest frontman there was.
[on Charlotte Church] I'm very fond of her. I think she's got a great talent.
[on Charlotte Church] I'm very fond of her. I think she's got a great talent.
The BBC has ravaged Doctor Who (2005) to the point where it's just overcooked for me. I've had enoug...
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The BBC has ravaged Doctor Who (2005) to the point where it's just overcooked for me. I've had enough. I actually think he's terrific, Matt Smith.
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I'm not a socialist. I hate all politicians equally.
I'm not a socialist. I hate all politicians equally.
They used to call me Shirley back then because I had masses of curly hair and looked like Shirley Te...
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They used to call me Shirley back then because I had masses of curly hair and looked like Shirley Temple. I hated it. Sometimes they'd grab me and run me into this post in the playground with my legs apart. The nutcracker they called it. Never did me no harm - and I can harmonise with The Bee Gees. (On his school days)
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I find that private market in Nazi memorabilia horrific.
I find that private market in Nazi memorabilia horrific.
A bad title doesn't mean bad music. I love Locust Abortion Technician by the brilliant Butthole Surf...
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A bad title doesn't mean bad music. I love Locust Abortion Technician by the brilliant Butthole Surfers. Likewise there are good tunes on Elton John's Captain Fantastic and the Brown Dirt Cowboy. What about George Clinton's Hey Man, Smell My Finger or REO Speedwagon's You Can Tune a Piano But You Can't Tune a Fish? I could go on: Frank Zappa's Sheik Yerbouti and of course Sleep Dirt, another favourite, and anything by Manic Street Preachers.
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[on Nerina Pallot] This country's finest singer-songwriter.
[on Nerina Pallot] This country's finest singer-songwriter.
[on "Kisses on the Bottom"] The worst-titled album of all time.
[on "Kisses on the Bottom"] The worst-titled album of all time.
Fabulous. (On Stacey Solomon)
Fabulous. (On Stacey Solomon)
Frost is the worst detective in TV history. (On Inspecteur Frost (1992))
Frost is the worst detective in TV history. (On Inspecteur Frost (1992))
[on Anne Diamond] The Queen of Daytime TV.
[on Anne Diamond] The Queen of Daytime TV.
Just because something's popular doesn't make it right. Nazism always comes to mind on that score - ...
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Just because something's popular doesn't make it right. Nazism always comes to mind on that score - and The X Factor (2004).
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Tony Blair ended up with five houses as a result of the boom years of Labour. And when he was interv...
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Tony Blair ended up with five houses as a result of the boom years of Labour. And when he was interviewed by Andrew Marr about the five houses, Tony offered the righteous, socialist excuse that he has to look after his children, of which I believe there are four. Four children, five houses. So it's a little bit beyond a house per child.
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I do think that we Brits have a peculiar devil-may-care attitude to a lot of things. We invented pun...
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I do think that we Brits have a peculiar devil-may-care attitude to a lot of things. We invented punk rock which was sort of two fingers to everything, anarchy and nihilism.
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I've known Jerry Ewing for longer than any of you in the room, I suspect. A man who not just managed...
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I've known Jerry Ewing for longer than any of you in the room, I suspect. A man who not just managed to get Prog magazine off the ground but turn it into a soar-away success. It provides a focus for everyone whose musical tastes deviate from the mundane and the mainstream.
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